Not jay-walkers but 'M'walkers

Guys walking carelessly on the roads, busy fiddling with their mobiles oblivious to the whole world outside — a common sight on city roads and something which irritates me so much that often I secretly wish that such guys get run over by a speeding vehicle. Just desserts!

Today I turned over a new leaf, yes, you read right, I turned over a new leaf and decided that I would not wish ill for these careless people but look at the positive side of their stupid actions. You may wonder what are the positives when a guy walks in the road totally focused on the smartphone in his hand. Here are a few positives:

1) He is so focused on his smartphone that he does not ogle at girls, whistles at them or indulges in any form of eve-teasing.

2) So immersed he is in his phone that he does not stop at the nearby pan shop to savour a pan, pan masala or smoke a cigarette.

3) When two neighbours come up on the road with each engrossed in his own smartphone, they do not even look up and see each other thereby avoiding idle talk, gossiping or back-biting.

4) Above all, their body language is one of humility and respect to others. They never walk with their head high in the air, but with bowed heads signifying respect to the world at large.

Next time you feel like whacking one of these jay-walkers, think of the positives of their actions. It will help reduce your blood-pressure

Do not politicize child-rapes

Given the plethora of child- rape cases coming up in the media in recent times, the Government has been forced to act. The ordinance providing death sentence to rapists of children has been introduced. Arguably the most heinous of crimes, rape of an innocent child is something so very sickening and an act any human being will find difficult to digest.

Then who are these rapists who go after children? They are not humans but sick beasts. Yes, I strongly believe this is a mental sickness which these rapists have which makes them act the way they do. When we read that many of these child rapists are close relatives, it strengthens my belief that they are mentally sick, suffer from some massive inferiority complex, not respected by their families or sexually frustrated and people who want to assert their strength and superiority (??) on someone weak.

I would think, the solution would lie in a fast Court which dispenses justice quickly followed by immediate castration of these rapists and then locking them away in mental asylums for life. Yes, in cases where they have killed the victim, indeed they should face capital punishment.

Having said that, any punishment is intended to act as a deterrent to crime and for this, two aspects are vital 1) Severity of the punishment 2) Certainty of the punishment . While focus is on (1), guess it is (2) which needs to be ensured.Given the fact that close relatives often commit these crimes, wonder if certainty of punishment would be ensured by the families.

This is a social issue, let us not politicise it. These crimes would have happened in the past too, at least now they are brought to the attention of the general public. Let us save the children of our nation.

IPL -- Behind the scenes

New Delhi: 25th April 2018

Kiran Kumar Grandhi, the GMR Boss called Ricky Ponting to his chambers and “Look Ricky, said things are going nowhere with the Daredevils. I have discussed with my partners and the feeling is, as in football, the coach should take responsibility and ....... ( silent pause). 

“ Mate, that’s football, this is cricket! Remember what I did when things were not going well for Mumbai Indians in the past. I resigned from the captaincy and also dropped myself from the team”, howled Ponting desperately.

“ You have a point Ricky, send Gautam inside”, said the Boss. A relieved Ponting ran out and informed Gautam Gambhir.

Gautam walked in, his face morose as always. Boss  "Let me come to the point straight. How would you rate yourself as captain and batsman”? ( Being appraisal season, Boss was in the same mood) said 

Gautam mumbled : “Sir, I would rate my performance Average.”

“ Average my foot, have you analysed your batting average?One solitary win as captain, that too against third-rate Mumbai Indians” bellowed the Boss. He summoned his HR Head inside and asked whether there was any notice period in Gautam’s contract. Sensing the Boss’ mood, HR even without verifying, emphatically said No.

Gambhir became even more morose and whispered “ I will resign”. “ Good”, said the Boss, but issue a statement that this was your own decision and there was no pressure from the franchise. Gambhir came out and announced his resignation.

Mumbai: 25th April 2018

Nita Ambani was having a performance review with Rohit Sharma. “ Heard Gautam resigned as captain”, said Nita.

“ Madam, he had to, with such a poor performance as batsman and captain”

“ Look who’s talking”, said Nita Ambani, raising her shaped eyebrows. “ But madam, all matches we lost were close finishes, we could well have won”, pleaded Rohit Sharma, the MI captain..

“ Listen Rohit, getting close is not enough, you are nowhere near your goals and I don’t see any effort to improve. Your stance is wrong, your bat-swing is not good enough and your field placements and bowling changes, just plain lousy”, cooed Nita but with steel in her voice. “ I am putting you on a Performance Improvement Plan for the next two matches and if I do not see results, well....... you have to do a Gambhir. You may leave now”.

A fuming Rohit comes out swearing” What does this female know about cricket ?” & dials Virat Kohli.

“ Virat listen, I understand this time mid-term transfers are possible. Meri CEO bahut pareshan karti hai. Tere yahaan kuch vacancy hai kya?”

Kohli replied “ Rohit, you would have seen me as captain of India and of RCB. When I lead India, you can see the fire, passion & enthusiasm in my body-language arising out of playing for national pride. Here while playing for RCB, I’m always confused about what my bosses will say if I make a bowling change or field set-up or even if I ask for a change in gloves while batting. You would have seen me on TV these days. As for vacancy, let me check with HR. Are you willing to take a pay-cut?”

That, ladies and gentlemen is franchise cricket or IPL for you!

Only Rakhi can do it

Indian judiciary is known for its inordinate delays, a wee bit of corruption,political interference, miscarriage of justice, et al. What is the remedy? RAKHI SAWANT. Yes, the same Rakhi of Mika-kiss fame ( or is it shame?), the same Rakhi who conducted a swayamvar on television and chose Elesh,an NRI, only to dump him unceremoniously later.

Now Rakhi is in a new avatar, doling out justice almost instantaneously on television.Shame on you, you legal luminaries with your fancy degrees & experience, can you do a Rakhi?

Last night as I sat before the idiot-box, involuntarily practicing neck exercises, as I was being slowly embraced by sleep, there were sudden shouts of "Rakhi, Rakhi" which made me jump. In my half drowsy state, I couldn't make out if we had been hit by a tsunami or invaded by aliens.When my eyes swam back to focus,I saw Rakhi Sawant on screen, in a low-cut dress waving to a paid studio audience, talking about rendering justice from the heart, IPC be damned !

There was this lady on this show who claimed to be a small-time actress, but looked to be from some other 'profession'. She was accusing a man who surely looked an 'intermediary' of propositioning her in the name of getting her a film role. She was seeking justice in Rakhi's Court. Innocent girl that she is, Rakhi appeared shocked that such a thing could happen.She questioned both of them and also a third character who looked like a small-time drug-peddler.

I was wide awake by now watching the drama unfold. It appeared to be a big joke and since I love comedies,I continued watching. Suddenly there was a twist in the tale and it became an Action show. Professional lady started screaming and got up to slap the Intermediary who landed a couple of slaps on her and both let loose a volley of abuses ( thankfully expunged ). The Security on the set had to be called in and they separated the two, in the way a referee does in a wrestling match.Rakhi for once appeared flummoxed, but not for long. She shouted 'khamosh' and then went on to tick-off Mr.Drug-peddler for staring at her cleavage. You see, a judge has to be transparent but that does not mean people can commit contempt of Court. A chastened Mr.Drug-peddler reluctantly looked the other way.

More action was to follow--another character entered, she also appeared to be from the same 'profession' as the earlier lady. She too accused the Intermediary of propositioning. Heat was generated and this lady flung her shoes at Mr.Intermediary and he also hurled something in return apart from the full-throated abuses exchanged at which generations from both sides would have cringed in their graves(thankfully the abuses were punched out). Time for the security guards to re-enter and literally drag Mr.Intermediary out of the set. It was becoming a bit predictable and repetitive.

Possibly Rakhi thought so too. She asked a couple of the audience members their views and then pronounced her judgment. She felt both the ladies were not doing this as a publicity stunt. She warned Mr.Drug-peddler that he should stick to his job ( art direction?)and not involve himself in 'setting up' people. Finally, she sternly advised Mr.Intermediary to turn over a new leaf or risk not even getting a place in hell (as though she was a tour operator offering tours to Hell).

I was dumbfounded by the entire show. Really what does the channel Imagine find in RakhiSawant? Answer was there right in front of me.My daughter who had watched the show closely was translating some of the dialogues in Hindi to my wife who despite not being fluent in Hindi had watched the programme closely.

Rakhi, jai ho!

Pakistan and IPL 3

The IPL( Indian Premier League) is now jocularly called India Pakistan Ladaai.
Thrills, spills & action have started in IPL 3 much before the first ball is even bowled.
It started with the Auction where where many Pakistani players were up for sale but none was bid for leave alone bought by any of the franchisees. This after the Government had approved participation of Pakistani players in the IPL and cleared their visa requirements.
So who were the main protagonists? The rich franchisees or the Pakistani star cricketers?
NEITHER.
What did the various 'lead artistes' say?

LALIT MODI: We have not indicated to any of the franchisees not to pick Pakistani players,neither has the Government.
P.CHIDAMBARAM: The Government has not put out any condition that Pakistani players are not to be bid for in the IPL.
The Franchisees: No, we have not been told directly or indirectly not to pick Pakistani players, it is our joint decision.
Does it look that everyone is in sync and there is no issue at all?
Read on what others had to say....
BALASAHEB THACKERAY: We will not allow Pakistani or Australian players to participate in the IPL matches in Mumbai.
SHAHRUKH KHAN: I am saddened that no Pakistani palyer has been picked by the IPL teams.
Pakistani cricketers: This snub by the IPL is an insult to our country
PAKISTAN CRICKET BOARD: We will not issue NOC to any of our players to play in the IPL even if selected now.

What could have transpired behind the scenes?
The Government must have informed the IPL that they cannot ensure security at all the venues if Pakistani players were included. This could well have been security of the players in question as also uninterrupted games at all venues.
This message in turn must have gone down from the IPL Commissioner to the franchisees.

The franchisees being shrewd businessmen first and sports enthusiasts later must have read between the lines.. If matches had to be cancelled or the selected Pakistani players being forced to go back or not allowed to play, their thousands and millions of dollars would have vanished into thin air. So, all of them played safe and gave Pakistani players the royal ignore.

When the Pakistani players started crying foul and it threatened to become a diplomatic issue, both the Government of India and the IPL came out proclaiming their neutral stand and they were not to be blamed for this.

Alas! It was the franchisees who were made out to be the villains. It is business first and it defies all logic why the franchisees should not take decisions in the larger interest of their business,politics be damned!

The Kolkata Knight Riders franchisee, Shahrukh Khan displayed that he suffers from 'foot-in-the mouth' disease. A statement that he was disappointed that none of the Pakistani players had been picked ( after his team had also ignored them) was in bad taste. He however offered an olive branch by indicating that Abdul Razzaq would be picked by the Knight Riders. Now it was the turn of the Pakistan Cricket Board which said it would not grant NOC to any of its players to particiapte in the IPL.

COMMENTS:

• The IPL is big, big business. Can any of the franchisees afford to recruit Pakistani players and tomorrow, forget the Shiv Sena, if a 26/11 type of event recurs ( God forbid) and the players have to be sent back, what happens to the huge money invetsed on them?
• What is conveniently forgotten is that no NEW Australian player too had been recruited. The exception was Damien Martyn selected by the Rajasthan Royals but then he had plied his trade in India earlier with the ICL. New players like Brad Haddin, Phil Hughes and Jason Krezja did not attract any bidders. here too, the franchisees were playing safe, given the attacks on Indians in Australia and a possible diplomatic backlash. Pakistanis were not exceptions.
• See no reason why Pakistani players and the Board should see this as an affront or an insult. These are professional players who need work permits to work(play) in India. Is it easy for any Indian professional to get a work permit to work in Pakistan or even a visa to visit ? This being the case, why raise a hue and cry now? If an average wage-earner of Indian origin is not given a permit to work in Pakistan, why should India allow these billionaire Pakistani cricketers?
• Last but certainly not the least, from IPL 1, how many stellar performances from the Pakistani cricketers does one remember? Save for the consistency of Sohail Tanveer for the Royals and to a certain extent Umar Gul and Mohammed Asif, the performance from the rest was nothing to crow about. Shahid Afridi, who is making the loudest nosies about not being picked was one of the biggest failures for the Chargers in IPL1. Shut up Shahid!

NDTV ( Narayan Dutt Tiwari's Vulgarity)

India is truly making its presence felt on the global scene, be it in industrialisation, development, education, sports and now SEX. If the US had a Bill Clinton, Italy had a Silvio Berlusconi, India's answer is Narayan Dutt Tiwari, an 85 year-old funster whose escapades have made headlines and rung the deathknell for his political career too. Wonder what he could have done at this age with 3 young girls! Well, the videos/picturs aired by the Telugu channel ABN shows an old man ( who looks like NDT) lying as if in a daze and the girls 'working' on him.

This indiscretion has cost him his gubernatorial post and seals the end of a long political career as the Chief Minister of 2 states--Uttar Pradesh & Uttaranchal. a Central Minister who handled External Affairs & Finance, the President of the All-India Youth Congress (when he was younger) and finally as Governor of AP. While being President of the Youth Congress, he is said to have had an affair with Ujwala Sharma and sired a son, who 29 years later rose like a phoenix and sought a paternity test.Quite bizarre! After his wife's demise in the early nineties, NDT must certainly have felt lonely in the sprawling Raj Bhavan in Hyderabad.

A staunch follower of Indira Gandhi & Sanjay Gandhi, opposition leaders ridiculed him during the Emergency days with this poem:

" Na nar hoon, na naari hoon

Indira ki pujari hoon

Sanjay ka sawaari hoon

Main Narayan Dutt Tiwari hoon'

How wrong the opposition leaders were! NDT has certainly proved that he is a 'nar' at this ripe age and done India proud in the global 'political sleaze' scene.

The Week that was....

Global warming was the theme and how to combat it was the aim, as political leaders from 192 countries gathered at Copenhagen, Denmark. Discussions were more heated than the global atmosphere itself and the talks were on the verge of breakdown. The poorer countries felt that the developed ones were giving them a raw deal and insisted that any agreement reached should be in line with the Kyoto Protocol of 1997. The main concepts of the Kyoto Protocol were:

• Commitment to reduce greenhouse gases
• Implementation of the same by way of policies & measures
• Accounting, inspecting & review of the progress made
• Setting up of a Compliance Committee
• Minimising the impact on developingcoutries by setting up an Adaptation Fund fpr climate change.

It was the last item which was a major sore point at Copenhagen. The African nations mainly, felt that the developed countries' commitments on financial incentives for controlling emissions were rather sketchy. African countries were pushing for a less than 1.5 degrees rise in global temperature while the final draft pegged this at 2 degrees. Countries like Brazil, India, China & South Africa found themselves neither here nor there and had to ultimately concede ground to the developed countries headed by the USA.Amounts promised to developing countries range between US $ 30 billion & US $ 100 billion in the 2012-2020 period.

COMMENTS: More responsibility on developing countries with the developed ones sidestepping issues neatly. On the verge of total failure, what transpired in the sidelines is not clear, whether it was arm-twisting by the US or a sense of burn-out by the BASIC countries--the final outcome was that the developing countries again bore the brunt. Ultimatey, as it played out, greenbacks were deemed more important than a green world.

While Copenhagen was grappling with the politics of global warming, the same message of conserving the world and its environs was spread across the globe by James Cameron through his much-awaited film, Avatar. Written, directed and produced by James Cameron, the film said to cost half-a-billion dollars opened to packed houses all over. A 3-D science fiction film, its technology is stated to be way ahead of its time. A planet called Pandora has humanoid inhabitants called NaVi who are tall and blue-skinned. The most striking feature is that they live in total harmony with the natural world around them. The language of the NaVi has been created by the Director for this film. Jake Sully, the protagonist visits Pandora on a mission and when humans with their greed for the natural wealth of Pandora attack it, Jake sides with the natives.

COMMENTS: A film which will do much more for enlightening the world on conserving natural resources than all the political big-wigs could do at Copenhagen. As for the language of the NaVi, the way many of our actors and actresses speak English, Hindi, etc, it is indecipherable any way.

The Bharatiya Janata Party went in for a major revamp. Nitin Gadkari took over a party President from Rajnath Singh. L.K.Advani resigned as leader of the opposition in the Lok Sabha, his place being taken by Sushma Swaraj. Advani, it is stated will head the BJP parliamentary party.It was a real paradox that Advani who joined the RSS way back in 1942 and was the biggest propounder of 'Hindutva' finally had to bow down to the RSS diktat. Mohan Bhagwat, the RSS Chief had clearly mentioned that new blood was called for. Adavni, was perhaps the man most touted to be the Prime Minster but who could never reach that coveted position. He will be remembered for his numerous 'Rath yatras' and his fanning of the Hindutva flames through the Ram Janmabhoomi issue which culminated in the demolition of the Babri Masjid. Nitin Gadkari, a relative lightweight from Mharashtra would possibly have never got this opportunity had Pramod Mahajan been around.

COMMENTS: Majority of the educated Hindu populace did not agree with Advani's ideology that a Ram Temple should be built on the site where the Babri Masjid was, as it was supposedly the birthplace of Ram. They felt that there were more pressing national issues and building of a temple was not demed very important. However, in a teenie-weenie corner of their hearts, these very people at times felt, if as a Hindu I cannot build a temple for my deity in India (where Hindus are a majority), can I do it in Pakistan or Saudi Arabia?. Secularism is fine but curbing the majority in the name of secularism, was what Advani termed 'pseudo secularism'.

Talking about religion, can cricket be left out? It is said in India cricket is a religion and Tendulkar is God. In the 1st ODI at Rajkot, India after scoring 414 was scared stiff as Sri Lanka chased and chased and finally fell short by a mere 3 runs. If Sehwag blazed away for his 146, Dilshan's reply was a brilliant 160, which in the end was just not enough. MSD must have heaved a huge sigh of relief as his bowlers bowled like billionaires and the fielders couldn't even catch the common cold. If India were lucky to get away in the 1st ODI, they were not so lucky in the second one at Nagpur, despite a 300 plus score. Dhoni's century was in vain as Dilshan dished out 123 and Angelo Mathews held his nerve in the end as Sri Lanka triumphed by 3 wickets.

COMMENTS: As if to add insult to ijury, MSD was suspended for 2 ODIs due to India' s slow over rate at Nagpur. With so much time being taken for overs, one would think great attention was being paid to thoughful bowling strategies and precise fielding positions. Neither was happening and to top it all slow over rates? Any remedies?

Guess who bowled the best googly ? Do not think of any leg-spinner for it was Ajmal Kasab, the captured terrorist from 26/11. After admitting to his guilt as early as in July and having been identified by scores of witnesses, suddenly he bowled his googly---it was not me but my lookalike.I have never handled an AK-47. Mumbai police had picked me up even before 26/11 and are trying to frame me.

COMMENTS: What audacity ! What on earth are we doing in the name of ' righteousness', 'judicial processes' and the necessity to project ourselves internationally as great upholder of human rights? We are already spending a fortune on the maintenance of this proven terrorist. Should he not be publicly hanged or shot? What are we treying to achieve by prolonging the trial? Even the 'so-called' upholder of democracy and human rights, the United States of America did not spend too much time on the trial of Saddam Hussein after his capture and hanged him.Why does India dilly-dally so much? Any answer guys ?